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Article: 1941 of rec.games.chess.misc
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From: dave.bealer@dreamforge.com (Dave Bealer)
Newsgroups: rec.games.chess.misc
Subject: World Championship Satire: "Not So Lonely At The Top" (1 of 2)
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 05:30:38 GMT
Message-ID: <95091101012856@dreamforge.com>
Organization: Dream Forge, Inc. Baltimore, MD.
Distribution: world
Lines: 88
The following is a work of chess fiction.
It is Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved.
This is satire, and is not meant to be taken seriously
(the story, not the copyright notice).
Not So Lonely At The Top
by Dave Bealer
The 2005 World Chess Championship tournament was the first to
feature a LeMans-style start. The large number of competitors made
this an interesting (in the Chinese sense of the word) proposition,
and many critics predicted disaster. Television network executives
had the final decision, of course, and LeMans starts had boosted
the ratings of previous contract bridge and quilting championships.
An unprecedented six reigning World Champions would be
competing. Bobby Fischer appeared with his entourage consisting
of three Serbian bankers, two bodyguards, and a skunk named
Florencio. Gary Kasparov traveled light, accompanied by only four
bodyguards, his family, and a lap dog named Nigel. Anatoly Karpov
had his usual team of parapsychologists and ex-Politburo hacks.
Deep Kimchee, the World Computer Champion from Korea, became
the first machine to compete with humans for the world title.
Under a rule in use since the 1999 Championship, the World Junior
Champion was automatically seeded into the tournament. Petey
Browning, the reigning junior champ was 18 months old. He had
become the youngest master in American history at the ripe age
of 8 1/2 weeks. Alexander Alekhine was the surprise entrant,
coming out of retirement to compete while being channelled by a
professional medium, courtesy of one the tournament's major
sponsors, 1-900-MYSTICS, Inc.
The remainder of the field of thirty-two consisted of various
former champions, qualifiers, passers-by, and the billionaire
technologist duffer who was bankrolling the event. Certain pundits
argued that this "sponsor berth" in the championship was the real
reason the event had been converted to a tournament from one-on-one
match play.
As in all modern World Championships, special arrangements and
conditions were necessary to accommodate the players. Diaper
changing facilities were installed behind the stage to meet Petey
Browning's special needs. Ramps were installed to allow Korchnoi
access to all player areas with his wheelchair. Alekhine's mystic
was under contractual obligation not to read the minds of any of
the other players. Tonya Kamski's opponents were provided with
protective clothing to guard against an assault by her cronies in
the event of a win. Paramedics were standing by to perform the
Heimlich maneuver on Seirawan when he choked, which was inevitable
at such an important event. Tony Miles had to be flown in for each
round from whatever country he was representing that day.
Nobody was surprised when trouble started before the opening
banquet had ended. It all began innocently enough when young
Browning threw mashed potatoes at his table mates. Judit Polgar
simply laughed and cleaned the stuff out of her hair. Former
prodigy Fischer was not amused, however, and set his skunk on the
young malefactor. During the altercation that followed it was
discovered that Florencio had not been de-scented. The banquet
ended abruptly at that point and pets were banned from all future
Championship events, causing Fischer to threaten to quit. Room
service in the hotel which was hosting most of the participants
experienced an inexplicable run on tomato juice orders that
evening.
Karpov drew quite a bit of attention when he showed up for the
LeMans start of round one wearing a pair of hip boots. His
strategy became clear when his personal psychic, Dr. Zarkhov, began
performing a Native North American rain dance in front of the
stage. Spectators, officials, and the other competitors found the
good doctor's antics amusing until small, but ominous looking
clouds began to form above the stage. Arbiters removed Zarkhov
from the playing room at this point, and the tournament began after
the clouds exhausted their cargo of water on the stage and first
few rows of spectators. Zarkhov settled for sticking pins in dolls
representing Karpov's opponents in later rounds.
The LeMans start turned out to be only a moderate disaster.
Insufficient room had been allotted on the stage for Korchnoi's
wheelchair and two participants suffered minor hip injuries during
the mad dash for the boards. Petey Browning experienced some
difficulty mounting his high chair, but his mother was allowed to
assist him.
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